


Not Now

by malicioussocks



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Bathing/Washing, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, Lies, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Breakdown, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:41:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21745429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malicioussocks/pseuds/malicioussocks
Summary: There comes a time in everyone's life where you reach a breaking point. The point where something has pushed you just far enough to spiral and you have a sudden urge for a new hairstyle and a hunger for a new beginning.Ryan has reached this point.
Relationships: Jeremy Dooley/Ryan Haywood
Comments: 2
Kudos: 79





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've never really written any form of angst cause it makes me feel some kinda way but i'm writing an original novel inspired by the Fake AH Crew so I figured this would be good practice. Have my attempt at angst.

There comes a time in everyone's life where you reach a breaking point. The point where something has pushed you just far enough to spiral and you have a sudden urge for a new hairstyle and a hunger for a new beginning. 

Ryan has reached this point. 

Now, he is not ashamed to say that he is not entirely as emotionless as he wants to appear and so he stands before his bathroom mirror, a pair of scissors clenched in a fist. He knows he could have gone the extra mile with the dramatics and chosen a significantly less pink instrument with which to cut his hair, but he already knows first hand the outcome of using a knife, this ain't his first mid life crisis. In his line of work one may as well be scheduled in three month intervals at this point. 

After cutting off his impressively long ponytail and spending far too long with an electric razor Ryan finally feels okay with his new look, but he doesn't plan to stop there. A new warpaint design is in order. Not caring to disclose how long he took to finally settle on a design he strides out of the penthouse at a crisp 3:17am, an entirely new man and a city ready to bend at his will. 

**…**

Jeremy woke early that morning, not long after Ryan had left, and unable to fall back into dreamland, he frustratedly huffed his way to the kitchen to fix himself some coffee, settle in on the window seat and watch the sun rise over the skyline. 

There is a certain feeling you get seeing the Vagabond, but seeing the Vagabond glowing under the golden rays of the morning sun sets a different feeling racing through Jeremy's bones. Ryan stands between the kitchen and Jeremy, caught red handed, in the literal dripping sense as it were.

"I'll clean it up… you never saw me,"

Jeremy could have just ignored his teammate and gone back to his coffee and sunset but there is something about the Vagabond that isn't sitting right with Jeremy. It could be all the red but that genuinely isn't surprising to him at all.

"New haircut?"

"Yeah actually, thought it was time for a change,"

"And the face paint too?"

"I was getting tired of the same old thing,"

The barely There conversation lulls for a long moment.

"Are you okay?"

"None of its mine if that's what you're asking,"

"I mean, that'd be good to know too. But I meant in a more emotional sense. What's going on in that head of yours,"

Ryan is quiet, head lowered and eyes trained on the floor, he seems twitchy and anxious. Now, Ryan is quiet most of the time but never is he reserved and unguarded like this. Despite never saying much his body language and confidence are always talk enough. 

"Buddy?" Jeremy cautiously moves closer to the mercenary, trying to understand what is going on.

Ryan seems to remember or think of something and closes his eyes, clenching his fists by his side. "I think I'm going to be sick,"

Jeremy's eyes follow the man as he hurries towards his own bathroom and soon he is hurrying down the hall after him. Something is seriously wrong. Finding the man kneeling before the toilet almost makes him panic but he steps up behind him and squeezes himself between Ryan and the wall, trying his best to comfort the man he is only now realising he has never actually had physical contact with before.

"You done?" Jeremy asks after a moment.

Ryan just nods slightly.

"Okay, here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna run a bath for you, I've got some bath bombs my sister gave me last Christmas, you're gonna give me your clothes to put in the wash and when I come back I expect to see you in the water. You got that?"

"Jeremy,"

"This is non negotiable. Come on, up we get." Jeremy frees his muscles from their cramped position and leans over Ryan to flush the toilet. Turning the taps for the bath and waiting to adjust the temperature he turns back to Ryan and prompts him into stripping all but his underwear. "Alright, these are going in the wash and I'll be back in a sec with that bath bomb. Get that stuff off your face while I'm gone, yeah?"

Jeremy wasn't trying to boss the man around but right now he needs someone to take charge and snap him back to his old self and the only person available to do so is Jeremy.

Walking back in to a half dressed Ryan with streaks of black face paint still sticking to parts of his face Jeremy tries a reassuring smile but is caught off guard by just how terrible the man looks. Bruises, scars, fresher scabbed cuts and numerous other blemishes litter his skin like a galaxy and the deep colour under his eyes is decidedly not the result of a black eye or left over paint.

"Do you wanna do the honours?" Jeremy passes the bath bomb to Ryan who just looks at it for a long moment before taking it from his hand. Instead of just dropping it into the bath as Jeremy had expected Ryan carefully lowers it into the water, almost cradling it in his hand as it fizzed and dissolved. It was an uncharacteristically gentle display from the mercenary that shocked Jeremy more than it probably should have. 

"I'm not a child, you don't have to supervise me,"

"Well who's going to get all the shit out of your fresh locks? Just let me help you,"

"You've already helped enough," his tone wasn't angry per se, just completely exhausted. His usual theatric inflections reduced to monotone by his lack of energy.

Jeremy elected to ignore him this time, "here, I'll turn my back and you get in the tub,"

It took a moment after Jeremy spun around to face the door for him to hear Ryan strip the last item of clothing and lower himself into the bath. Despite knowing the water will conceal any fun bits he still waited for permission to turn back.

"You can stay,"

"Good, cause I wasn't gonna give you a choice," Jeremy grabbed the small ottoman from the corner of the room and positioned himself beside the bathtub. "You know I know what a crisis looks like right?"

"That how you came up with Rimmy Tim?" It could have been a savage insult but instead it was an honest question.

"No, but it  _ is _ why I had no hair at one point,"

Ryan tries a nod and slides down into the water a bit more, closing his eyes and releasing a heavy sigh. Jeremy indulges in the rare moment of calm to blatantly stare at the older man's face, so often hidden by grayscale pigment. 

"So are you just going to sit there to make sure I don't drown?"

"What would you rather me do?"

Ryan hesitates. Opens one eye to survey Jeremy's body language before closing it once more and speaking quietly. "I wouldn't mind help washing my hair,"

"We'll bring your head over here," Jeremy is more than eager to help, snapping his brain back into reality as it had started to drift.

Ryan twists his torso towards him, pillowing his head on his arms propped up on the edge of the bath. It didn't look overly comfortable but he supposed whatever works. Spotting a drinking glass on the counter Jeremy uses it to scoop up water and pour it over Ryan's head, doing his best to avoid his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

Sitting beside Ryan, massaging his scalp gently, Jeremy almost lets himself imagine he was in the bath too, the taller man laying against his chest as he plays with his hair. But sadly the reality of the situation is still tugging at his brain, what happened to his battle buddy?

"You know, you didn't answer my question earlier,"

Ryan hums.

"Are you okay?"

"That's an incredibly loaded question, Jeremy,"

"Well I was hoping for a loaded answer," Jeremy moves his arms back to rest on his knees, giving him space.

Ryan pauses for a long time, pondering the pros and cons of telling the truth. "I'm a fraud." He finally decided.

"How so? I don't know if you've noticed but none of us lead particularly truthful lives,"

"I mean nothing you think you know about me is true, Ryan isn't even my real name,"

"Well, care to introduce me to the real you? I think I might like him,"

"I doubt it, he's a coward and doesn't deserve to know you,"

"I think he should let me be the judge of that. Tell me about him, what's his name," Jeremy hopes this third person game they were playing was helping, it was a little weird, sure, but whatever helps Ryan sort out whatever he's going through.

"James, his name is James Ryan Haywood. He had a perfectly privileged childhood but still managed to make enough bad decisions that he landed himself in Los Santos where he continued to make bad decisions, to the point where he now has a reputation as a mass killer who goes on murder sprees just because he can when in reality all he really does is stand there and look mildly threatening."

"But all the… blood?"

"I thought that if I could follow through with my threats and actually live up to my disguise I would feel less like a liar. It ah… didn't work, it just made me sick,"

"I don't think that makes you an inherently bad person, Ryan." 

Jeremy won't lie, aside from the blatant self depreciation, it was a bit of a shock to find out that your partner in crime has in truth committed a lot less crimes than originally thought. And as he mulls it over, he can't think of a single reason to be upset or angry with Ryan. He wasn't lying, not really anyway. Not only did he build a reputation for himself off of literally nothing, he's maintained it perfectly for years, even managing to convince the people closest to him.

"Honestly, I'm impressed. I was so scared of you when we first met, you were just this shadow in every corner of the room, always watching but never talking. But as we got to know each other, I uncovered the real Ryan, the dorky, dramatic man who can never talk without messing it up and who is still effortlessly badass in everything that he does. I didn't become your best friend because of the Vagabond, he's a legend in his own right but that's not who you are Ryan. He is you but you are not him."

"How are you so chill about all this? Do you understand that I've been lying to you for our whole relationship, to everyone for that matter. I don't get it,"

"I'll tell you a secret. I like this Ryan. This Ryan that's sitting in the tub spouting nonsense about himself. James Ryan Haywood who is the same James Ryan Haywood I've known since the beginning. Knowing that your first name is actually James and that you actually have feelings doesn't change who you are,"

"I don't deserve you,"

"That may be so but I'm here nonetheless and you're gonna have to try harder to get rid of me,"

Finally a small smile graces the older man's lips. "I'm cold,"

"Remind me not to have heart to hearts in the bath next time alright?" 

Not thinking, Ryan pulls the plug and they both get to their feet, quickly finding themselves in a frozen state as Jeremy wills his body to not look down and Ryan's mind goes blank and unable to think of a solution.

"I… uh… towel. Yes. Towel." Jeremy fumbles for the nearest towel and passes it to Ryan before quickly turning his back, not trusting his own body. 

The quietest thanks is uttered from behind him.

"I um… should go… let you get dressed,"

Jeremy starts leaving the room but is stopped by Ryan. "Wait… Jeremy. Can we… hang out?"

He turns to face the other man who is holding a towel around his waist with water dripping from his hair, it was an odd sight to see. "Of course, I'll wait for you in the kitchen. You hungry?"

"Food would be great actually,"

"Okay, see you in a sec,"

**…**

Now Jeremy is aware of Ryan's serial sweet tooth which is why he was currently in the kitchen mixing together ingredients for some pancakes. A million thoughts were running through his head, tonight felt like a monumental moment between the two men and Jeremy couldn't for the life of him figure out why. He couldn't place what had changed between them but he knew that if he didn't act on it he'd be facing a future of first base awkwardness around the man. He decides he'd rather know the cause for the broken relationship than spend the rest of his life trying to figure out why it failed in the first place.

Jeremy wouldn't be the first to admit how attractive the older man is and he won't be the last but never has he been in a situation where just thinking about another person shirtless has him this red in the face. And yeah there's all the fantasising, like before with the bath but Jeremy thinks thats all situational, he'd probably think about anyone like that if put in a similar situation. Nevertheless he adds this reaction to his mental list of things to consider and goes back to scooping batter into a pan.

Ryan returns just as Jeremy had impressively flipped a pancake in the air and caught it. 

"Odd seeing you all domestic,"

"You're one to talk,"

"I can be domestic, give me cooking duty any day of the week,"

"Why how often do you cook,"

"Who do you think makes all the food you steal out of the fridge,"

"I always assumed it was Jack, she makes a mean pasta bake,"

"That's my pasta bake!"

"I find that hard to believe," Jeremy actually does believe him but he's enjoying the smile on Ryan's face too much to back down just yet.

"You ungrateful ass, I slave away in the kitchen most nights and this is the thanks I get?"

"Aw come on, you love my ass. And besides, how was I to know?"

"Maybe if you spent time with anyone who is not the lads you would know,"

"Ow, that was harsh. But if you want us to hang out more I'm not going to complain,"

Banter was good, it was familiar and easy to revert back to. So far so good, except Jeremy just noticed the sparse drops of blood trailed from the front door. The moment in his head is shattered as he is forced to remember the Vagabond that caused it and the state the man underneath was in. Ryan must notice his stillness because his eyes drift to where the blood lies. 

"Oh… I, I forgot. Sorry I'll just… clean it up, sorry," Ryan's voice sounds absolutely wrecked and it almost breaks Jeremy's heart.

For all Jeremy's convictions to not make it awkward, this was a turn he couldn't have predicted. He could see Ryan shaking as he wipes away the slightly congealed blood with a wet cloth. 

"Ryan, please,"

"I'm sorry, just let me, sorry,"

"Stop," Jeremy has half a mind to turn off the stove before he is moving to hold Ryan's tremoring fist in his, trying to pry the bloodied rag from his fingers. Looking him in the eye is a mistake cause all Jeremy sees is impossibly bloodshot eyes filling with unshed tears just waiting to spill over. "Don't apologise, please,"

Ryan's entire body is shaking now and all Jeremy can do is stand and watch as he falls apart. He feels like an asshole, an absolute prick to have ever thought Ryan was capable of the shit he claims he'd done, that alone hurts Jeremy. He hears him try to talk but he quickly hushes him with a choked out 'don't'. Jeremy is fighting a losing battle with his own tears and with nothing else to do just wraps Ryan in the tightest hug he can manage. He hears a pitched whine that could have come from either of them and Ryan finally matches his crushing hug with a desperate force. Jeremy can feel a wetness in his hair but it's only fair because he himself is making a right mess of Ryan's shoulder. 

And what a pair they are, sobbing together in the hallway and clinging to each other like they are the only ones left in the universe. It's incredibly poetic, except the reality is bitter and heartbreaking.

Jeremy allows them both to cry until they can't any longer before chancing a glance up at the other man, stepping back slightly but not letting go.

"This may be the wrong time," Jeremy starts, his throat blocked with tears, "actually it's precisely the wrong time, but this morning has been anything but good so I may as well pile on the emotions while I can -"

"Not now,"

"I - what?" This time Jeremy steps back, but still desperately clings to Ryan's hands.

"Not now… sorry, it's just... You're right, it's a bad time and, whatever you're going to say, this is not how I want to remember it. Sorry, I want you to tell me, I do, just…"

"Not now,"

"Yeah..."

"Okay, another time. Promise?"

"Promise. And Jeremy?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you,"

"Any time buddy,"


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I have literally had the next few chapters of this story written for about three months but just didn't post them and I don't remember why.

"I can't sleep," 

Ryan stands, having whispered the words in the doorway of Jeremy's bedroom. It has become a bit of recurring thing, Ryan waking from what Jeremy assumes is a bad dream or simply being unable to sleep and escaping into the lads room. They don't always talk about it but they both eventually end up asleep. Jeremy folds back the covers, a silent invitation for the gent. Jeremy has a love hate relationship with these nights; on one hand Ryan is having a bad night but on the other Ryan is in Jeremy's bed where he knows he is safe. They both lay there in silence for a long moment before Jeremy shifts and they are both on their backs staring at the ceiling.

"If there was anything you wanted to tell me you know you can right?" Ryan says, and he feels their roles have been reversed. "I feel like I phrased that bad. What I'm trying to say is if you need to talk about anything like I do to you I can also listen. I can't guarantee I'll have something to say back like you always do but, I want to listen."

"Thanks Ryan," Jeremy glances over at him, "is there, you know, something you want to talk about?"

"Not really, but I wanted to ask… and you can totally say no but would you… hold me?"

Jeremy silently holds his arms out to his battle buddy and Ryan rolls to settle half on top of him. With his head pillowed on the shorter man's chest and his arms and legs encircling him in a snake like vice, but Jeremy just settles his arms to gently rub patterns into the skin of Ryan's bicep and back and slowly they both relax and drift into a deep sleep. 

That was last night and honestly, this week has been exceptionally stressful for Jeremy, the crew is planning a heist that will be executed tomorrow night, he just heard his sister is in town and add on the whole 'its never a good time to confess my undying love for a certain criminal mastermind' he is feeling pretty pent up. And with Jeremy’s desperate need to relax somehow, he figures that Ryan has never visited two nights in a row so he tunes out the world and starts a slow grind against his mattress. Clenching his fists in his pillow he half buries his face in it too. He wasn't thinking of anything or anyone in particular, never does, just focuses on the feel of it. Eventually he shimmies his pants off and then his underwear and lets out a muffled groan as bare skin connects with cool sheets. Jeremy was almost lost in the feeling, so close to being fully hard and was about to switch up the position when his door opens quietly and then shuts very quickly with a startled-

"Fuck I'm so sorry!" 

Needless to say Jeremy’s heart is now racing for a very different reason, that reason being that someone he really wishes wasn’t Ryan just saw his bare ass as he was getting off. And wasn’t that a reality he never thought he’d live through. Thinking about it only made him angry because he knew who it was and he didn’t want to be mad at him but it’s been a long week and all Jeremy wanted was a few god damn minutes in peace and a certain someone had gone and ruined that and he was unintentionally pissed about it. Pulling at fistfulls of his coloured hair he grumbled as he stood to go to the bathroom, maybe he could finish what he started. 

There was a knock on his door though and Jeremy yelled a quick “Fuck off,” before the door could open. Closing the ensuite door and locking it for good measure he started a scalding hot shower, discarded his shirt and got in to reacquaint himself with his right hand.

…

As it turns out Jeremy’s assumption was wrong for once and the person who got to see his moment of vulnerability was not actually Ryan which was very confusing for the both of them when Jeremy had to clarify that it was not actually him that saw his naked behind. So when he swiftly retreated back to the relative safety of his room he found a basket wrapped in cellophane and a bunch of flowers sat at the end of his bed. Picking up the attached note he read.

‘ _ Spice it up a bit, yeah? _

_ Sorry I saw your bum. _

_ G’ _

Fucking Gavin.

In the basket was an allsortment of sex toys and various other things to use including a can of whipped cream. But at the very bottom was a polaroid photo of him and Ryan from the night before, completely tangled up with each other. There was another note too.

_ ‘Came in to ask something about the heist, you two are cute <3’ _

Jeremy stared at the photo for a very long time. So long he's pretty sure he missed dinner but he couldn’t find it in himself to care when this photo existed. He found some blu tac and stuck it to his mirror with the other polaroids he’d snuck from Gavin and just looked at them, remembering the memories attached to each. There was one of all of them up on Chiliad, drinking and setting off fireworks from a few new years ago, another one of just the lads taken as a selfie by Gavin, the camera reflected in his glasses. There was one of Gavin and Michael asleep, each leaning against the shoulder of a dozing Vagabond. That one was taken by Jeremy after a particularly bad heist where Ryan saved them both from almost dying, taking a bullet to the leg in the process. The two of them pretty much stuck to his side until he was healed, getting him anything he may want or need and generally just making sure he was okay. There were a few more, one of Jack cooking dinner, Geoff asleep at his desk and even one of Trevor and Alfredo when they accidentally wore the same thing one day. He was so busy staring at the photos he almost jumped when Ryan appeared in his doorway.

“Hey,” he said quietly.

“Hey,” Jeremy didn’t really leave him on a good note after the whole awkward apology and explanation. Really he didn’t explain at all which was kind of the problem. 

“You weren’t at dinner so I thought I’d come make sure you’re alright, especially after… that thing…” Ryans eyes drift from Jeremy around the room and land on his bed, still covered in Gavin’s ‘care package’. “Am I… interrupting something?”

“No! Not at all I was just… putting that away, it was a gift and…” Jeremy hurries to throw all the items back in the basket and carelessly throw the whole thing into his closet.

“A gift?”

“From Gavin,”

“Gavin?”

“It was a joke. Look, don’t worry about it,”

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay and clearly you are so I think I’ll just go-”

“Wait! Please don’t go, I’m sorry I’ll explain everything,” Jeremy pulls Ryan back into his room and shuts the door behind them. “I’m sorry about what I said to you yesterday, I’m just really stressed and wanted to let out some steam so I thought I’d… you know,” Jeremy made a vague hand motion, “but um… Gavin walked in and… saw. I thought it was you, hence the weird apology and then as a joke Gavin bought me some stuff, and now you’re here and we’re having this conversation.” 

“Oh…”

“Thanks for checking up on me though, I just lost track of time,”

“Are you hungry, we could go get something?”

“Oh, that’s okay, I’m sure there’s leftovers or something,”

“I was actually trying to ask you out… if you’re not busy,” Ryan pointedly glances at the closet and smiles shyly at Jeremy’s shocked expression.

Jeremy stumbles with his words for a moment before finally spitting out a breathless yes. Ryan’s face breaks into maybe the most genuine smile he’s seen on the gents face in a long time. 

“Great, you ready to go?”

“Sure thing,”

…

Ryan takes Jeremy to a crazy good street food vendor that probably won’t give them food poisoning and then they wander up the pier just chatting and eating their chosen snacks. 

“Did Gavin really give you all those things?”

“Still stuck on that huh? Well yeah, I wasn’t harbouring a secret stash of sex toys in my closet that I like to lay out and take stock of every now and then,”

“But you do now,”

“Yeah I guess I do, don’t know what I’m gonna do with it all,”

“Not even gonna consider using them?”

“Nah well… would that be weird?”

“I mean, I don’t think so. It’s what it was bought for,”

“I guess, but I don’t know, I feel like I wouldn’t be able to not think about the fact Gavin bought them for me, bit of a mood killer that,”

Ryan hums in agreement and looks up at the sky as they walk. Jeremy never thought he would ever be on a date with the other man let alone talking with him so casually about sex toys in a public space. He’s not shy about it at all either which Jeremy wasn't expecting. Reaching the end of the dock they both looked out into the water, lights from the city don't travel this far so it's weird how dark everything is. 

"Hey Jeremy?"

"Yeah Ryan,"

"Remember when I stopped you from saying something that night when I… what was it you wanted to say?"

"Oh, I'm not sure if now is the right time…" in the moment Jeremy was ready to admit anything but now he's too caught off guard and just generally too in his own head to say it. It needs to be perfect.

"Okay." 

The silence stretched and Jeremy started to panic that'd he'd ruined the whole thing with his stupid need for everything to be perfect that he was about to just spit it out.

Ryan says "I've got an idea." and the same time Jeremy says "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, I did the same thing to you the first time. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, no I'm fine, what’s your idea?"

Ryan didn't seem convinced at all but let it slide, "wanna do something dumb?"

…

And that's how Jeremy ended up in the driver's seat of Ryan's car, a makeshift blindfold over his eyes and the man in question beside him in the passenger seat. 

"I'm gonna tell you where to go, all you have to do is follow my directions,"

"Seems easy enough, why are we doing this at night?"

"Less traffic, less damage to my car,"

"I hope you know your car is getting written off by the end of this. Where are we headed?"

"Back home I guess,"

"Okay, let's do this,"

"Alright, we're parked at the moment so your gonna do a hard left then straighten out."

Jeremy turns the wheel into a lock and pulls out of the park, following Ryan's instructions to straighten the wheel after.

"We're in the middle of the road so correct to the right a bit,"

"This isn't too bad actually," Jeremy says, allowing a smile to replace his intense focus.

"Yeah wait until we have to turn a corner, like now. Slow down, put the blinker on to go right and turn,"

That is precisely when the yelling and consequently the fun began and although they made it back to the penthouse in one piece, the car did not. Jeremy can't deny that he had a great time though, and all this was on record as the best date he's ever been on. 

"Feel better?" Ryan asks as they make their way up in the elevator.

"You have no idea how much fun I had, thank you," 

"Anytime,"

"Do you want to watch a movie?"

"You don't like movies," 

"Well no, not really but…"

"How about we get some rest, big job tomorrow,"

"Yeah, totally," Jeremy didn't want this date to end but Ryan was right, there is a lot to be done tomorrow.

Jeremy shuffled into his room and almost jumped when Ryan followed him, he was about to ask what was wrong when he said,

"I can never sleep the night before a heist, I can go if you want some time alone though,"

"No!" Jeremy impulsively grabs the man's hand, "please stay,"

Ryan nods and he slowly let's his hand go. Jeremy doesn't know what was wrong with him but he's been acting super weird the past few days and Ryan has definitely noticed. 

"Are you okay Jeremy?"

"Yeah, totally fine, why?"

"You look like your gonna pass out,"

"I feel like I'm about to as well…" and that's the last thing Jeremy remembers, the crease between Ryan's eyebrows and then blackout.


	4. Chapter 4

Waking up to the sun streaming through his curtains and his blankets tucked neatly around him was like waking every other morning except this wasn't every other morning because he doesn't remember how he got here. Squinting against the light Jeremy looks around, spots Ryan in the corner reading a book and tries to say good morning but just a squeak comes out instead. Ryan snaps his head up and is already fumbling out of his cramped position to dart to his side, spitting a myriad of questions at him. 

"Are you okay?"

Jeremy clears his throat this time, "yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"You fainted last night, gave me a fucking heart attack,"

"Oh shit, I did too," Jeremy's memory of the moment came back to him then.

"Apparently you were dehydrated and too stressed that you gave yourself low blood pressure, I have some Powerade for you," Ryan uncaps the drink and passes it to him, telling him to try to drink it slowly. 

“Oh shit! The heist!” Jeremy is half out of bed in a second, only stopped by Ryan forcing him back into the mattress.

“Slow down! It was called off,”

“What why?”

“Are you kidding? You fainted last night, you are in no shape to do any daring stunts,”

“Who are you my mother, I’m fine,”

“Try telling that to Jack, or Geoff for that matter. You’re lucky it was called off because Gavin was trying to convince everyone to let Lindsay take your place,”

It’s not that Lindsay isn’t as good as the rest of them, quite the opposite actually. It’s just that Jeremy’s role was mostly stealth which is not the forte of their resident chaos queen.

“It’s been moved to tomorrow, we’re using today as an extra day to scope things out,”

“But today is the day!” Jeremy whines

“Today is the day to rest,”

“Can I at least come with you to watch these mother fuckers? Come on, I’m not doing anything different there than I am here, please?”

“Jeremy, can’t you just take one day off?”

“Ryan, please. I’m begging you to not leave me in this bed, please?”

Ryan narrowed his eyes at him, trying his damndest to not give in but he is quickly discovering he would do anything for the orange haired man. “Fine,” Ryan says quietly.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you! You’re the best Ry!”

“Yeah yeah, get dressed you heathen,” Ryan says as he makes his way out of the room.

…

“Turn, turn the goddamn wheel!”

“The steering locked I can’t!”

“Fuck, hold on!”

The stolen car barrels over the edge of the road and straight into the water, the impact setting off the drivers seat airbag. 

“Fuck, oh shit. What do we do?” Jeremy sits beside Ryan in the passenger seat, desperately trying to open the door but the pressure of the water against the car is too much for either of them to match.

The car itself has shut off leaving Ryan unable to wind down the electric windows. As the car fills with more water, the weight of the engine pulls the front of the vehicle down so they are at an almost vertical angle. Jeremy seems to be panicking more now, not talking but definitely shaking uncontrollably. Ryan reaches over and unbuckles both their seatbelts and sets about trying to remember any knowledge he may have on the current situation. The water rapidly fills the cabin of the car and the two of them will soon be forced to take their last breaths. 

They need to break the windows somehow or wait it out until the pressure balances and they can get the door open, but by that time there’s a good chance they’ll both be dead. Searching the immediate area Ryan comes up empty.

Headrests.

The thought smaks Ryan in the face and he frantically turns his body to retrieve the headrest from his chair, prompting Jeremy into action as well. Using all their might they smash the pins of the headrests against the weak points of the window. Eventually one of them breaks and water floods the car the rest of the way and the two of them fill their lungs with as much air as they can. Ryan uses his shoulder to remove more of the glass to make a big enough gap for them to swim through and soon enough they are rushing to the surface of the ocean as the hunk of metal set on drowning them sinks to the bottom.

Breaking the surface first, Ryan sucks in air desperately, soon joined by Jeremy. But it is soon apparent that they are not out of the woods yet as they spot enemy gunmen gathered on the pier, obviously looking for them. Just before they open fire a helicopter flies in and rains down a shower of bullets, dropping the men like nothing as a boat rolls up and Geoff is suddenly there pulling them both from the freezing waters. 

Laying on the floor of the boat looking up at the sky Jeremy feels possibly more alive than ever but the closest to death at the same time. Jeremy feels something tugging on his arm and then there is a hand in his, fingers laced together and he looks to the side to see Ryan, face running with paint and he’s possibly never been happier to see that face in his life.

“You’re alive,” Ryan says.

“Funny that,”

"I want to kiss you so bad right now," Ryan continues impulsively, he’s not sure he even has control over his words at this point.

“Me too,” Jeremy grins back.

"Kiss me then," Ryan says lowly, then an even quieter, "please,"

And who is Jeremy to deny that request. 

He rolls his body much like Ryan did the other night in the safety of his bed but this time connects their lips. It tastes like salt water and paint but honestly Jeremy couldn’t be happier about it. 

Two rifles hit the ground beside them followed by the words, “Alright dickheads, this isn’t over yet,”

Looking up at Geoff then back at each other they quickly take up the guns, grins plastered permanently to their faces. They may have almost died but the good part is they didn’t and what better way to celebrate than shooting the fuck out of the people that almost drowned you.


	5. Bonus Chapter

As it turns out, the Gavin incident was not the last time Jeremy was walked in on.

Ryan had just finished the washing up from dinner, sometimes preferring to do it the hard way to give him something to do with his hands. He pushes the door to Jeremy's room open, it had become less Jeremy's room and more their room in the past month which was a step forward in their relationship, but now, opening the door to a very much not sleeping boyfriend was a shock but something he could very much get used to. 

Ryan makes a show of closing the door and locking it before looking back at Jeremy and just watching for a second. Starting to strip as he slowly stalks over to the bed, clothing makes a trail from the door, and he pauses again at the foot of the bed.

"C'mere," Jeremy says, holding one arm out to him.

"You've been busy," Ryan remarks as he crawls admittedly unsexily up the bed to fall heavily half on his boyfriend, forcing a huff from him.

"Why do I love you again?"

Oh yeah, that was a thing that happened too, Jeremy finally threw caution out the window and admitted his feelings one unassuming Wednesday afternoon. It wasn't perfect and that's probably what made it perfect in every way.

"Because I am somehow sexy and not sexy at the same time, I'm a paradox,"

"You're a dick is what you are,"

"Speaking of…" Ryan plants a kiss to Jeremy's chest and begins a trail downwards. Just as he started to relax into the pillows though, anticipating where the kisses we're headed, Ryan blows a loud raspberry into the chub of Jeremy's belly. Jeremy laughs despite himself and pushes at Ryan’s face.

"Ryan!"

"What? Did you want something else?"

Jeremy just levels him with a look and Ryan smiles but dutifully returns to the trail of kisses.

And yeah, not much seems to go to plan in either of their lives but for the first time in a long time Ryan thinks he's finally made a good decision. He's home. And home looks beautiful from this angle.


End file.
